THIS! IS!! SPARTAAAN!!! The 500

Now we’re trying something new. The 500 or 5 2 diet consists of eating only 500 calories for 2 days out of the week. Surprisingly you can eat some pretty creative stuff on that diet. 

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Although for the most part and low fat yogurt or cottage cheese if you play your cards right. I’ve plateaued at about 15 pounds off. But I’m hoping adding exercise to this mix will accelerate some weight loss

Here’s hoping.

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The Rules, F@tA$$ Style

over NINE THOUSAAAND caloriesThere are certain things, apparently, you just don’t do.  You don’t tread on Superman’s cape.  You don’t spit into the wind.  You don’t pull the mask off the Lone Ranger.  And you DON’T start a diet around the holidays!  

It’s a time that we are inclined to think about our circumstance; what we’re thankful for; what we’d like to receive from; what we’d like to provide for, our families and loved ones.  It’s only natural that we’d review our health and lifestyle, too.  Add to that, thinking about the upcoming feasts, we either desperately cling to our puritanical self-restraint (oh, the irony), or blithely cave in to our party mode and end up 3 whiskeys down with an entire fist stuffing that piece of pecan pie into our aptly named pie-hole.  That second option, if you haven’t tried it yet, is worth the embarrassment at least once in your life.  It helps if you’re at a party you probably won’t be attending again any time soon.  The Sokolsky affair in Pinecrest comes to mind.  See, they shuttle off the strays to entertain Uncle Chester.  Man, that dude can drink.  He’s the only other guy besides Barry Reis that gave me professional drinking tips.  He explained the intricacies of “layering” to ingest ridiculous amounts of Bourbon.  It was a millionaires’ party, but he had an 8 buck haircut.  Uncle Chester, I salute you!  Quite fit, actually.

Somewhere amid all the holiday responsibilities and expectations we have to find a way to cope.  We want to enjoy this time. But we also don’t want to splay across the service in cardiac arrest.  Is there some happy medium we can strike where I can eat what I’d like and at least not add 10lbs to my already sorry state of weight?

Apparently there is.  Bet you didn’t think you’d hear that from a weightloss blog, eh?   I’ve lost about 8lbs since starting this journey just before Thanksgiving.  And while I’ve been cognizant of what I’m ingesting, I’ve had fast food, dessert, every Thanksgiving dish we served and as leftovers.  I wouldn’t say I’ve been denying myself at all. 

Since this is already a high-energy, borderline stressful time, I haven’t wanted to try to stick to a regimen.  Any failure would easily start the careening snowball that ends with an empty pint of Ben & Jerry’s sitting next to me on the couch.  But I did invoke some general directions.  The first is the blog’s title.  I did try to get a gym membership, but Montgomery County’s gym prices are beyond ridiculous.  I’m not going to pay them $800 for one freaking treadmill.  Screw you, MoCo.  I did mount the TV on the living room wall so the kids wouldn’t tip it over – but now I play Black Ops standing up, doing squats during squad formation and venue choice.  I actually got the heart rate going AND my killscore improved.  I haven’t tried it with Madden yet (btw – EA/Madden:  you suck!  Crappy game this year). 

I also try to use stairs at work.  Even when I don’t need to.  That’s like squat thrusting 200+ if I take 2 steps at a time.  Take a break if you get dizzy or winded.  Limit high-calorie snacks, esp. sweet ones.  I’m having them, just MUCH more sparingly.  KILL REGULAR SODA.  Drink some milk, even with a little bit Ovaltine – something about magnesium levels or some shti.  I don’t know. It works.  I did cut out half&half in my daily coffee.  I’m drinking Yeungling light, red wine, a little bit of sweet vermouth.  But a lot less, overall.  Whiskey only on Poker night.

Basically, I’ve been saving the indulgent stuff for special occasions, and if I slip, I don’t sweat it.  No reason to create a feedback loop and end up back on the couch with the married man’s BJ  (B&J, Ben & Jerry’s – I think we covered this).  There is ONE big difference, though, that is a bit aggressive.  And this is where I think the man-card gets punched, if any of the previous stuff here seemed a bit Nancy.  Regular cocktails of COLON BLOW!  Ok, it’s actually called Colon Cleanse and there are numerous different brands to employ here, but that’s the one I’m using now.  There’s another one from Wild Oats that has a bit more vitaminy type things in it.  Anyway – I take a small juice glass of water, throw in an Airborne, add 12-15 drops of Grapefruit Seed Extract (like poison!) then mix in 1-2 tbsp of the psyllium husk stuff.  I mix it with one of those little battery powered drink mixers.  Shoot it back and follow it up IMMEDIATELY with another glass of water.  Miss that step and you’ll feel like you’ve got a big mac stuck in your esophagus.  Drink the water.

This last ritual is pretty rewarding.  Think of it like doing shots.  It’s a commitment, but the reward is getting through it.  Definitely puts hair on your chest.  Another great health shot that works like booze is straight cranberry juice [not ocean spray – the 100% stuff.  Tastes like 100 proof vinegar].  The hair on your ears will stand up.  It’s awesmoe.  And your prostate probably won’t turn into a watermelon.  Probably.

And finally, I did this last step kind-of on accident.  But it turns out it’s one of the smartest things I attempted, according to THIS article.  I started eating nuts regularly.  I come home from work, I grab a handful of peanuts.  I hit the vending machine at work – turns out the trail mix (no chocolate) is 20% cheaper than the M&M’s.  It’s a hell of a lot more satisfying and I don’t feel like a turd 20 minutes later.  The article explains why.  But this shti works, I tell you.

Have a safe and happy Holiday.  Eat well.  Love everybody.  And let your F@t A$$ bend the rules a bit.  ‘Cause you know your F@tA$$ bends a lot of things.

rok Rok AUN!

btw – if you get a chance, check out my other blog.

And Away We Go…

…or at least 1/5th of me.   50 lbs. is an aggressive goal, I think.

The last time I was under 200 lbs., I was a miserable rockin’ & rollin’ SOB.   I was a couple years out of marriage #1 and deep into the iconoclastic Fabulous ShuttleLOUNGE.  I was walking 2-5 miles a day and eating nothing but whiskey and 7-11 Deli Sandwiches. 

I employed the usual means of goal visualization.  I created a Tony Hawk Underground character that looked pretty much like this: 

 

generic Tony Hawk Underground vid [dig the retro graphics.  Nice job, U Tuba!]:

 

And then rode his ass around long enough to conceptualize and realize.  I guess the only real difference was the gigantic STAR tattoo around the groin.   I’m not going to tell you whether it’s me or the THawk character.

Now that I’ve established a goal (the 50 lbs.), I’ll need to consider implementation.  Next time we’ll take a look at some of the tools available to aid in your journey.  Don’t worry.  A tattoo gun isn’t one of them.

About this Blog

Good Morning,

It’s 2011, or at least it was when I started this thing.  You’re over 40. And you’re Fat. 

I’m not talking “still have a gym membership, but would like to use it more” fat.  I’m not referring to you wanting to fit back in your college jeans [You still have those?!  What the fuck is wrong with you!!?] fat.  I’m talking:  Your car slants to the driver’s side, Fat. I’d like to switch to suspenders, but my wife’s against it, Fat.  Ending the debate between chocolatey or fruity candy by eating both today, Fat.

So, do you want to see your kids grow up?  Then you’d better do something about your weight.

One of the big problems I’ve run into is that none of the readily available weightloss support is tailored much to the man over 40.  I mean, sure, THIS …

                                                                      charliejames1975   is directed at us…    But that’s not really going to help me loose much weight.  Do I really need to build my forearms?!   Plus I’m sooo done cleaning a browser cache.

I want this to be a place where a guy can put on the shorts w/ the elastic waist and figure out just how on earth he got this big and how he’s going to get back to normal…er.. healthy… er… not so damn tubby!